The problem - and constant struggle of every human being on earth - is that you can’t wrestle a social situation into how you’d like it to be. It’s not a block of wood that you can whittle into whatever shape you’d like. It’s not a defensive line to break through, as single-purposed as a punching bag, or as formulaic as brewing beer.
Talking to people is, simply, hard. Especially people you’ve never shared a word with before. But the Earth turns every day, and every day gives you another reason to talk to strangers. Every day gives you a reason to expand your world.
So How Do You Learn How To Talk To Strangers?
Every conversation with everyone you meet is a living, breathing entity. They’re subject to change at a moment’s notice, and no two people will be alike. That can be intimidating to a lot of people. That’s a good thing, in a way. Nervousness and anxiety mean you’re out of your comfort zone, and outside that bubble is where you’ll best grow.
That uncertainty is to be embraced. Here’s a list to help get you there.
4 Tips To Help You Talk To Strangers
Keep in mind that, while this list may be numbered, you’re under no pressure to do each part line by line. Every step is an improvement, and not all steps need to be taken in order. But first and foremost:
1. Confidence Is Key
When you talk to strangers, it feels like you’re going off the map. Out here there be monsters, and you’ve wandered into uncharted waters. It’s important that you come to peace with this discomfort you’re feeling, and from peace to overcoming it.
Confidence. That’s the most vital mental aspect you need to instill in yourself when you talk to strangers. Put yourself in the shoes of a salesman. A car salesman who lacks confidence in their product will never get a single car off their lot. It’s about how you present yourself.
But maybe you’re still worried about the how to. How do you keep the conversation going? How do you even approach someone in the first place? How can you possibly be confident if you don’t know how to follow through?
Confidence is a lot like bravery. Being confident doesn’t necessarily mean the absence of uncertainty. Confidence is having the chutzpah and belief in yourself to be able to talk to strangers and overcome those social roadblocks.
It’s a state of mind. Having the right state of mind when it comes to anything is always the best place to start.
You ever heard of the phrase: “Fake it ‘till you make it?” It’s not a phrase for show. It works. Faking confidence is just as good as the real thing. The more you fake it, the more it becomes genuine.
2. Starting With Hello
And that’s it. Just hello and nothing else. We’d recommend taking a walk for this one, get some exercise in an area where there are plenty of people around. Let yourself disappear into the flow, immerse yourself, and to someone say, “Hello.”
Then say it again to someone else. And someone after that. Every conversation begins with a greeting and doesn’t need to last any longer than that. What you’d like to do here is accustom yourself to striking up a conversation with everyone you pass by, but it doesn’t need to last any longer than a verbal greeting.
When it comes to talking to strangers, the icebreaker is the most difficult hurdle, but “hello” is more than that. It’s the most important tool in the box. After every person you greet, use that moment to gauge how they react.
- Do they respond?
- Do they ignore you?
- Do they shy away?
- Do they give you a strange look?
Don’t worry, you’re acting a little out of the box, but that’s why you’re doing it to everyone.
Saying hello is normalizing conversation with a stranger. How they respond to you tells you a whole lot about whether or not talking to them is something to pursue.
Hello is, of course, only the first step. Ratcheting things up takes hello to more phatic phrases. Brief comments about the weather, complimenting someone’s clothing, an admiration of nearby flora or fauna - something to inject a little personality into a passing greeting.
Even the smallest of interactions pass on a mutual benefit to you and the strangers you make a brief connection with. “Hello” breaks down social barriers, makes people more open, and makes you more approachable.
3. Questions Make Connections
There are limitless scenarios in which you begin to talk to strangers and a conversation begins. Once you’re in one, how do you take that initial connection you’ve made with a brand-new person and transition it into something more meaningful?
You need to care about getting to know them.
People are full of cursory acknowledgments. We are raised to give a brief acknowledgment of other people’s existence and no more than that. It’s something of a habit that you’ll have to break if you want to talk to strangers beyond the superficial.
Being a great listener is one of the paramount qualities of being a great conversationalist. When strangers are asked questions, they like to answer and, more importantly, they like to be heard. You might want to start out with the basic get-to-know-you questions like:
- Where are you from?
- What are you interested in?
- What line of work are you in?
These questions are good toward the beginning of the conversation, but they only reveal the surface level aspects of what makes a person. You’ll know them in passing.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with talking to strangers like this - in fact, it’s the best way to start. However, staying at this level leads to stagnation, both in what you learn from these people and how these questions keep conversations going.
What you need is intimacy. Something to catch them off-guard. Questions like:
- What’s your greatest fear?
- What’s your greatest goal in life?
- What would make a day perfect for you?
Some people may offer up fairly generic answers, and you shouldn’t force the question if they do. Outside the box questions, given to people who want to be heard, generate some of the most interesting insights you will see in a person. You’ll learn more than what they like to do.
Providing solid avenues to allow strangers to talk about themselves builds invigorating conversation that informs both of you about the other. And while it’s important to be a good listener, don’t be afraid to provide some of your own appropriate input as well. Conversation is a two-way street, after all.
4. Expand Outside Your Comfort Zone
Talking to new people requires a lot of vulnerability. Every stranger you meet is an entirely new experience, and that can be taxing on you. It’s alright to take your time learning how to talk to strangers. Once you get to the point where you feel you’ve caught on to the act, then it’s time for the most vulnerable, most open step of all.
Step outside your comfort zone.
Chances are you’ve been frequenting places you know and are comfortable with. That’s fantastic! There’s no better place to start. Now it’s time to go somewhere you don’t frequent. Somewhere new where you’ll stand out, where you’ll be required to talk to people. The best way to learn German is to go to Germany, so to speak.
Wherever you decide to go is entirely up to you, as long as it’s new and maybe a little uncomfortable. You’re essentially putting yourself in a position to be helped. Let’s say, for instance, you decide to attend a workshop for home cooking. Now that you’re there, in an unfamiliar setting with an unfamiliar task, your best resources become the people around you.
More often than not, your peers are going to be more than happy to help you.
Workshops are only one of a multitude of places you can go to immerse yourself in a foreign setting.
- New churches
- Parks
- Museums
- Parades
- Galleries
- Public events
Getting out there is the hard part. There’s a good reason why it’s called the comfort zone. But the more you talk to strangers, the better you’ll feel and the more you’ll improve at it. Learning how to talk to strangers is a muscle that grows stronger each time you use it.
Always Be Mindful
Branching out and interacting with the world around you are wonderful things to do. However, you must be cognizant of the effect you’re having. Many of the people you may try and strike up conversation with may not be interested. Take note of how they react, and if you get the impression that they would rather be left alone, it’s in the both of your best interests to give them space.
Don’t let that discourage you! Identifying those who want to talk and those who don’t are two halves of the same coin. Being left alone is just as appreciated as being a companion. What matters is that every conversation is a learning experience that leaves people feeling just a little bit better about themselves.
