Spoiler Alert!!!
In case you have been living on a deserted island: the latest of the Star Wars franchise, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, opened this week. Haven’t seen yet? Here’s the ending…
Just kidding. We would never tell you that R2 kills Han Solo and Chewbacca’s daughter has a sordid affair with a Sand Person.
Alright, we have not see the film yet either. While that is not an actual spoiler (we think), the truth is that most people spoil movies, books, TV series unknowingly or unwittingly.
And spoilers are everywhere. Like little gremlins, they can sneak up on you almost everywhere. Alone in your car? Spoiler on the radio. Produce aisle? Spoiler from the guys stickering pineapples. Forget about social media, spoilers are out to get you.
However, you know what is worse than being spoiled? Being the spoiler. That mortifying feeling that you ruined something great for someone – that they will never experience it like you did – is soul-crushing.
The spoiler cycle must stop!, And it starts with you. The most integral part is awareness. Only an asshole spoils on purpose. For most (good) people, it is simply a mistake, but it’s big one. Spoil something as big as Harry Potter or Star Wars and that’s a slip-up that could end a friendship (or at least provide extreme amounts of tension and anger.)
Take heart. In celebration of this week’s release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, we have compiled a list of the most common types of spoilers. Read them. Remember them. And then never do any of them. Ever.
Spoiler alert: You just might save a friendship or two.
(Note: The following use examples of well-known spoilers from famous movies. We will not cite which movie they are from, but we understand the irony of providing examples.)
THE CAN-YOU-BELIEVE-IT?! SPOILER
This spoiler is usually very well-intended. The culprit is excited and wants to commiserate over something she found especially awesome. She is in awe of a plot twist or character development, and is lonely about it. She craves a connection and a celebration. That ardent desire to bond is what clouds her judgment, and sparks the spoiler.
THE I-NEED-CLARIFICATION! SPOILER
This is probably the most commonplace spoiler. This offender is confused, trying to determine a plot that might have gone over his head. It has been playing over and over in his mind and something is not adding up. Perhaps he went to the bathroom at a key part or skimmed over an important chapter. Perhaps he just did not get it. Be aware that he has two agendas. The first is a sincere call for clarification. The second is a confirmation that he was not the only one confused. No one wants to feel stupid. Even more so, no one wants to feel stupid alone. The spoiler makes him feel so much more so.
The NOT-SO-HUMBLEBRAG SPOILER
Here is the most vicious of unintended spoilers. Unlike a person who ruthlessly intends to spoil someone, this person simply wanted to pat herself on the back. She saw that plot twist coming and she is quite impressed with herself. She needs to brag. It was not her intention to spoil, just bathe in her self-celebration. She is usually not feeling so great about herself these days. The most ego-driven transgressor, she will still feel bad for spoiling, though it might be because the spoilee will not understand how smart she is.
THE EVERYONE-SHOULD-HAVE-SEEN-THIS-BY-NOW SPOILER
Like it or not, there is no expiration dates for spoilers. If you publicly discuss important secrets about shows, movies or books, you are likely spoiling those secrets for others. It does not matter whether it has been two days, two weeks, two months or two decades since it was released, it is still rude. The culprit of this spoiler does not agree with this fact. In his eyes, worrying about spoiling is tedious. He pats himself on the back for giving a grace period, but is desire to be carefree and blatant trumps his good intentions.
THE ONE-NAME SPOILER
A popular spoiler around the time that reality show results are announced, this spoiler seems tame; however, the one name takes the tension out of watching any finale. People think they are being covert (“It’s just a name! I am implying nothing!”), but that one name (expressed at that particular moment) is an obvious spoiler. The transgressor is usually feeding into the excitement of the moment. She is happy or defeated and impulsively spoils. It is the social media equivalent of saying eww or yay.
THE YOU-THINK-TYPING-SPOILER-ALERT-IS-ENOUGH SPOILER
The wrongdoer here thinks he did everything right. He specifically warned that a spoiler was coming, and will most likely take no responsibility for any spoiling. The problem is that the alert is literally millimeters away from the spoiler. It is impossible to not see the corrupting information. A true spoiler alert will allow the readers or listeners enough time to distance themselves before the spoiler emerges. Like the Everyone-Should-Have-See-This-By-Now Spoiler, this wrongdoer has little remorse and has created an excuse for his spoiling.
THE PHONE SPOILER
A very special breed, the sin of the Phone Spoiler is either a complete lack of understanding for boundaries or complete rudeness. She is normally a loud talker, who is unaware that other people are around her while she is on the phone. She immediately makes a call before the final credits and discusses all the plot points with someone who saw the movie across the country. She walks through a busy parking lot (filled with people heading IN to see the movie), down a street, through a crowded coffee shop, on to a bus, etc., spoiling the movie for hundreds of people. She hangs up completely unaware of her misdeeds.
To the victors go the spoils. To the defeated go the spoilERS. Don’t be defeated and vanquish the cycle.
