Wouldn’t life be great if you were Kim Jung-un? Being leader of a country would normally be a bit of a drag but North Korea is so utterly insane a place that being the leader there could be a lot of fun.
The Child Prodigies and the Double Rainbow Birth
According to his biography, the day former leader Kim Jong-Il was born a double rainbow appeared in the sky and it instantly changed from winter to spring. Hallelujah! He also learned to walk when he was only 3 weeks old and was talking a few weeks later. His son and current leader Kim Jung-un learned to fire a gun and drive a car at the age of 3. By the age of 8 he could drive on the roads at 75 mph. I would love to have been a child prodigy like this. I wasted months – if not years – lying on a mattress babbling and salivating pointlessly when I could have been out there driving and chatting to people.
The Sporting Geniuses and the World Golf Record
Someone in Pyongyang has without doubt the best job in the world. Hey, they shout at him, the glorious leader called and we need to make up some more stuff about how he is the best sportsperson in the whole wide world. The dude who made up Kim Jong-Il’s golfing record surpassed himself in the lunacy stakes. According to the official records, the first time the late leader played the sport he had a hell of a game. Since there is apparently only one golf course in the country few North Koreans probably realise just how staggering his 38 under par round was. In fact, it contained no fewer than 11 holes in one, which make me think that it was a really short course with a bizarre number of par threes. This golfing world record is unlikely to ever be beaten. Unless his son ever takes up the game, of course. For the moment though, the current leader is happy being the best basketball player in the world.
The Unopposed Elections
How great would it be to run a presidential campaign with no opposition at all? You could just make stupid promises and really annoy people all the time without a care in the world. In the recent North Korean elections our old friend Kim Jung-un must have been fairly confident of winning and of carrying on being the youngest leader in the world. In the end, it wasn’t a great surprise to find that he got 100% of the vote.
The Wacky Food Stuff
Kim Jong-Il supposedly had a servant who had to check out every single grain of rice he was going to eat. I don’t know about you but this is probably the least appetising aspect of the job for me so far. I really don’t want some random guy poking his nose into my rice every single day. Heck, I don’t even like the blooming stuff. I wonder if this guy has still got the job and checks the new leader’s rice every day now?
No Going to the Toilet. Ever
Isn’t going to the toilet a real bore? Just think how much more fun you could have in life if you didn’t have to urinate or do a number two on a regular basis. Well, Kim Jong-Il was this lucky. His biography says that he simply never had to do pee-pee or poop. I guess that this ability was passed onto his son as I’m pretty sure this kind of thing is strictly hereditary.
Finding Unicorns
I would seriously love to find a few unicorns. Even just the one would be fine. Across in the wacky, wacky world of North Korea they lived my dream by finding a unicorn’s lair a while back. Later reports suggested that there had been a translation problem and that they had actually found an amazing beast with the body of a deer, the head of a dragon and bits of cow on it. That makes a lot more sense if we are being honest.
