Note: The advice in this article is applicable to men and women of all backgrounds and preferences. No one is safe from the Friend Zone.
You really like this one. She’s smart and funny and beautiful. But you aren’t sure if she is feeling you.
You run it over in your head. You’ve gone out several times. The dates are fun, but end early. She returns your texts and you continue to make future plans, but they are not the most romantic plans. She often tells you that you are sweet.
One night, after a ‘good night’ and a peck on the cheek, it dawns on you: You are in the Friend Zone. Though a relatively modern term, the Friend Zone has actually been around forever. Shakespeare wrote about it. (Juliet definitely put in the Zone.) Alcott wrote about it. (Jo March put Laurie in one.) The Oxford dictionary even defines the Zone as “a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other.”
So there you are, in a very real and potentially awful situation. What do you do?
Step One: Get clarification
Like removing a band-aid, the quickest and easiest way to deal with the Zone is to talk about. The longer the situation stays unclear and hazy, the more resentment will build.
Bluntly (but respectfully) ask her about her feelings. If she is vague or evasive, ask for clarification. In truth, she might legitimately not know her feelings yet. While this is valid, it is also valid for you to choose whether you want to pursue anything with someone so hesitant. If you prefer something hot and heavy, you might want to move on to someone willing to plunge head first.
If she sincerely likes you and sees you as dating potential, congrats! You talked about it and should feel better. If she admits that she only sees you as a friend, move on to Step Two.
Step Two: Ask yourself if it’s for the best
It’s time to nurse your wounds and pick yourself back up. Besides, did you really want to date someone who just isn’t that into you? As sad as it might be, there is a silver lining. You can now move on and look to build something more solid with someone new. Remind yourself that you are worthy of someone who believes in you completely and that shares the same expectations and plans as you.
If you are still stuck on her and cannot see yourself moving on, give yourself some self care and some time to deal with it. Once you see the potential for moving on, progress to Step Three.
Step Three: Explore the idea of friendship
Moving on is hard. Navigating the potential pain in “trying to be friends” can be harder. It’s time to asses if a friendship with this person is worth the work and pain. There is nothing wrong with asking for some space, or choosing not to see someone. (Do not ghost. Tell her you need space.)
Are you able to separate the feelings you felt and have a stable, plutonic friendship? Do you truly want a plutonic relationship with her? Would you be cool if she started dating someone else?
If your answer is no, perhaps you need to tell her that you are not interested in a friendship. (It might be a painful conversation, but it’s honest. And for the best.) If you answered yes, move on to Step Four.
Step Four: Take action
If you can imagine a true (non-jealous) friendship growing, then communicate. Set some boundaries: No kissing, less date-like activities, and definitely no sex. Go out in public or with mutual friends. If you want a friendship to grow, you have to set up the correct environment. Yes, it might not be as fun, but you are looking for a friendship with this person, remember?
If this is difficult because you still want to sleep together, or you still have strong, non-plutonic feelings, you must communicate this, and go back to Step Two. If it IS going well and a true friendship is emerging, move on to Step Five.
Step Five: Avoid the drunk dial or text
Perhaps the hardest step for some of us, a drunk dial can undo all the work you have put in. It is when the deepest, darkest feelings come out and any unresolved pain might boil over. If you know you are prone to an occasional drunken bout of irrationality, try to be proactive. Erase her number (and any other potential drunk dials) before a boozey night out.
Get your buddies to support you and promise to make sure it does not happen.
All in all, it is about the emotional resolve and willingness to pursue a friendship. It is totally acceptable to decide that it is not worth it, and to move on to other relationships. It is about cutting all the strings attached and finally being free.
High fives all round!
