manner

I was waiting for a train a few weeks ago. It was an especially chilly morning and the normally punctual train was running a little late. I kept my cool (pun!) about it though. I was breathing into my hands to warm them up, when I excitedly heard the cling-clang of the approaching train. My feet were ice blocks when it finally stopped and the door opened. Standing right there, was a man in a suit, mostly likely on his way to work like me.

“Excuse me.”, I said, assuming he would see me and allow me to enter the train.

“Excuse me.”, I tried again, this time a little louder.

“I’M TEXTING!”, he yelled back, as I tried to wiggle my way on before the doors closed.

I had no choice but to chuckle at the audacity of this man. I shook it off, thinking, “Whatever happened to the manners my mother taught me? Oh well, I don’t care. I will never see this man again.”

A few days later, I arrived at a crowded spot for a highly anticipated date. I waited 10…20…45 minutes, until my phone finally buzzed.

“C ya there in 10!”, the text said.

I sighed and waited. In twenty minutes – more than an hour late – she arrived and we had our date.

It was over in 45 minutes.

“Manners.”, I thought again. “Oh well, the date was a bust. Why should I care?” I put my keys in the ignition and headed home.

Then, this morning, I found myself getting a deluge of texts from another date. We had gone out twice, and it seemed to fizzle.

“I was surprised I didn’t hear from you.” she wrote. (I can’t help but note that I appreciate her use of full sentences in texts.)

“I didn’t think you were the type of guy who would just up and disappear.”

I stare at the text for a moment.

“Neither had I”, I thought to myself.

This time, I did care.

I realize that as hard as I try, I am not immune to being part of the problem. The erosion of old-school manners and chivalry is not something I can blame on other people. I believe I am a gentleman: I give my seat to pregnant women and senior citizens. I can hide a burp or a fart like a champ. I donate to charities I believe in and people call me a “good guy”.

But I can do better. Manners – at least, real manners – are not about an archaic code of behavior. Nor are they about a dominant man condescending to a se they think is weaker and subordinate. Manners supercede gender or peer pressure. They are about the way people should treat other people – with respect, empathy and care.

Emboldened, I compiled a list of ways we can all be more gentlemanly in today’s modern world.

 

  1. Plan.

Simply put, think ahead. Be on time. Anticipate problems. Spend a few moments thinking things through. We live in a world of such immediacy, that a plan is needed now more than ever. Sure, delays or snafus will occur. However, a semblance of a plan helps you deal with them with panache.

Plus, the more you plan, the less likely you are to bail.

 

  1. Stop texting.

Fine, not entirely, but texting was designed to be a short, convenient way to message someone. It was never designed to be primary means of communication. And it is a flawed means of communication. We all have been the victim of a situation when the tone and subtext of a text is misconstrued.

(A perfect example.)

Hearing an actual voice (in person or on the phone) clarifies intention and allows us to communicate in amore authentic way. It also helps us connect and develop deeper bonds.

 

  1. Make eye contact

The world is only going faster. We stare at screens all day – TVs, phones, GPS, the little screen in an elevator. We have forgotten that there is something even more fascinating and beautiful all around us – faces.

 

  1. Listen.

This tip can also be called: Put down your phone. Appreciate the people around you. Listen with your eyes, your ears and your attention. Listen the way you want to be heard.

appreciation

  1. Be appreciative.

Say please and thank you, even if you do not have to. Write thank you notes. Notice any extra work anyone does, even if its small.

Oddly enough, thanking people makes you feel just as good as being thanked.

 

  1. Listen and understand different opinions

Perhaps this one is the hardest tip to follow through on. You do not have to agree with everyone. The more opinions we have in the world, the better the world is. Respect a difference of opinion and hear what other people have to say. (This one goes out to anyone supporting any particular candidate.)

Worst case scenario, your patience will only strengthen your own opinion.

 

  1. Dress appropriately.

Respect your time in public. Make an effort to respect strangers and passersby. Leave the sweatpants at home and put your best foot forward, if not for you, then for the people you come across.

 

  1. Stop being  passive/aggressive

Let’s be clear. Being passive aggressive is withholding truth. It’s not being upfront with your feelings. It’s akin to lying. Communicate clearly and everything will develop quicker and more respectfully.

And let’s face it, passive aggressive feelings hurt the feeler more than the person they are aimed toward.

 

  1. Practice patience and sacrifice yourself

Hold the door. Put another pot of coffee on. Give up your seat. Spare some change. Be polite to the telemarketer. Carry an extra umbrella.

Do good. Expect nothing in return.

 

  1. Make your spouse feel loved.

One of the keys to life is the more we make the people around feel loved, the more we feel loved in return. Do the little things, even when you do not want to. Do the big things, even when you do not want to.

 

  1. Defend each other.

Stand up for what is good. Make sure a stranger is okay. Do not run away when someone is in trouble. Resolve now to be the person who helps.

Get rid of “I don’t care.” Choose to care.

hug