It’s one of life’s more painful heartbreaks. We fall in love. We are faithful. Then one day, without any warning, we feel something missing. A hole where there was something important.
Of course, the love is a favorite pair of pants and the hole is…a hole. In the crotch.
Yes, it happens to everyone. But how? What went wrong? Let’s recount the steps of this wayward affair.
Step One: Life is Good
You are unwittingly browsing one day and there they are. Perhaps it is love at first sight, or maybe it takes some time, but eventually you and that pair of pants are hot and heavy. You see each other almost every single day. It feels good. The sky seems bluer, the grass seems greener. The road ahead looks glorious.
What to do: Enjoy your pants. Enjoy this time. And maybe consider reinforcing them.
Should you wear them?: Duh. With excitement.
Step Two : The thinning and wearing away
The hot and heavy times are over and you are very comfortable. Too comfortable. One day, you reach down to a more private part and feel a thinness. You realize the pants are not what they once were. Something has been worn away. (Okay, it’s the crotch.)
What to do: Reinforce them right away. See a tailor and avoid long walk on bloated days. Perhaps stop ice skating and sliding down firefighter poles in these pants
Should you wear them?: Yes, but monitor the situation
Step Three: A hole appears
The first crisis! The days, months or years of comfort have given way to damage. But is it reparable?
What to do: You must bring in a professional now. Go to the tailor or check out services like denimtherapy.com or denimsergeon.com.
Can I wear them: Maybe. If the hole is small enough, wear them. However, be discreet. No drunken splits on a crowded dance floor for you!
Step Four: The hole grows
You left the problem unattended and it’s only getting worse. It’s becoming more obvious. The issue is there for everyone to see and people are taking notice.
What to do: Stop pretending and deal with the situation.
Can I wear them: No. Perhaps while painting, if and only if you are wearing long underwear.
Step Five: The hole is a now gap. Or a chasm. Or a fjord.
You have taken advantage of each other and the relationship is unsustainable. Once you can fit more than two fingers in that hole, it is over. A tailor is no miracle worker. It’s time to book an appointment with your therapist, buy some Ben and Jerry’s (or hit the gym) and let it go.
What do to: Throw out the pants or reuse the material.
Can I wear them: Yes, in your bedroom. And only if you are really into crotchless pants.
