Christmas. It’s great, isn’t it? You give gifts. You receive gifts of an equal or greater value. You eat lots of food and everyone is your friend until midnight or until the booze runs out. This is all harmless fun but what about the festive songs? Which ones do you love and which ones do you hate?
All I Want For Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

If there was a Billboard Top 20 run by dolphins Mariah Carey would never be off it. I still refuse to believe that any human being has a vocal range which goes so scarily high that it scares dogs. Anyway, this is one of her better and more vocally restrained efforts. It is probably one of my favourite Christmas songs but I remember it also for the weird and cringeworthy supposed home video which came with it.
Wonderful Christmastime – Paul McCartney

Christmas without Paul McCartney is like turkey without stuffing. It’s like a tree with no lights on it and like roast potatoes without those burnt bits which you try and hide under the plate to avoid an embarrassing scene. This song was recorded entirely by Paul and to this day earns him a handsome $400,000 every single flipping year.
Do They Know Its Christmas? – Band Aid

Lame lyrics, a charity infused Christmas spirit and a collection of superstar egos; this one has got the lot. This is one of the best Christmas songs of all time and I don’t even know why. For more than a decade it was the biggest selling song in the UK and only a dead Princess and a piano player with a wig could steal that crown.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – Elmo Patsy
Apparently this is a real song. The elderly lady in question drank too much egg nog and got into a regrettable traffic accident with one of Santa’s sleigh pullers. The lyrics and title alone mark it out as one of the worst Christmas songs ever.
Fairytale Of New York – The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl
It is time to get down to the nitty gritty now. What does Christmas mean to you? If it means listening to a sozzled man singing out of tune about being drunk on a song with some vaguely offensive lyrics then this is the Christmas song for you. Against all odds, this tale of drunkenness and debauchery has turned into a Christmas classic and has been voted in the UK as the best Christmas song ever.
I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday – Wizzard

This song has always kind of worried me. You see, I don’t really wish it could be Christmas every day. The day would quickly lose its magic if repeated every 24 hours, I think. Once a year is probably just about right in my opinion. As for the song, it is a heady and fragrant collision between glam rock, woolly hats, big hair and a children’s choir. A classic in other words.
Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas) – John Denver
This heartfelt plea for paternal festive sobriety is sure to bring a tear to your eye as you slam back another glass of wine. You might even wonder why John Denver doesn’t normally make you cry and why the Christmas tree is spinning.
All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth – Various
This is another song I never realised was actually real until just now. I grew up with the melody and title lyrics in my head but I thought aliens had planted them there. Now it turns out that it was written in the 1940s and loads of human people have made versions of it.
