In medieval times, knights lived by a code of chivalry that often involved great feats of strength (and showboating) to protect their women. In more recent times, men were expected to court (or “pin”, or “woo”) a woman he was interested in by entreating her parents for permission. Nowadays, these tactics seem arcane (even sexist) and many men understand that the best thing you could do for a woman is to treat her like an equal.
However, along with the scores of antiquated dating behaviors that have rightfully fallen by the wayside, there are a few old school dating habits worth bringing back. I spoke to a group of women from all over the US, and most agreed. Simple old school notions that are rooted in respect and care are disappearing. It’s time to bring them back.
If you consider yourself a gentleman, consider this: It does not matter how you met her (or him). On an app? A meet-cute in the produce aisle? Prison? It doesn’t matter if it is the your first date or the 101st. If you like her, you owe her a formal date with some formal, thoughtful behavior.
Consider changing some bad new school habits and replacing them with these nine ways to show off some newfound old school charm.
- Ask Her Out With A Conversation
Sure, we live in a world of text messages and emailing. However, how we choose to reach out to another person is an indication of how much we prioritize them. When it is time to ask someone out, nothing is as personal as an actual conversation. Of course, it is more nerve-wracking, and maybe more awkward, but the benefit of establishing a true connection and making a fantastic first impression greatly outweighs that social discomfort. Said one woman: “It’s a great indication of what a guy’s intentions are. A phone call makes me feel a bit more sure that he is not just looking for a hook-up.”
- Pick Her Up
It does not matter how you do it. Get in your car (or on a subway, bus, or Uber) and pick her up. “’Let’s meet at a bar.’ seems uncreative and lazy.”, said one single lady. Though it was probably the most hotly contested behavior on this list, most of the surveyed women appreciated the effort. The dissenting women maintained that they were uncomfortable giving their address to a first date, but once comfortable with their date, agreed that they would not mind being picked up. Therefore, when you ask her out (on the phone or in person, I hope), give her the option.
- Bring Her Flowers
This one is true especially if you pick her up. Not one woman objected to having a date bring her flowers. “It’s the best first impression! Such a simple thought. And I don’t care if they are expensive or if I even like them! It’s just so…kind.”
A few pointers: Skip the roses and get creative. Pick out flowers for their color or personality they seem to have. If you are meeting your date a specific spot and have an activity ahead of you, consider buying flowers at the end of the night. Flowers can become a nuisance to carry around after awhile. If you are aware of a favorite candy or cookie or gum, replace the flowers with that instead. “But not if it’s something I didn’t personally tell him. If he stalked my Facebook wall, I’m going to think he’s a creeper.”
- Hold the Door
“Any decent guy should hold the door for anyone – his date, or even the next dude walking in.” That’s right, gentlemen! This one is not a dating courtesy, it should be a common courtesy. It is basic tact and demonstrates to your date (and the people around you) that you are civilized, thoughtful person.
- Plan a Date
‘Planning a date’ does not meet picking a place to grab a beer. The time and care that goes into the plan is a direct indication of your ability to invest in the person you are dating. The more personal and the more creative you make the experience, the better. Don’t stress. You don’t have to plan a perfect night. (Those happen when there is the right chemistry between people.) Avoid movies, theatre, or concerts on a first date. (Save them for later dates.) Remember that a first date should be about the conversation. So pick a place for a drink and an activity that allows you to keep up the chatter.
- Ask Her Questions
LISTEN. It’s dating rule number one. And the best way to listen to her is to ask her questions. If a date is going poorly, or you do not know what to say, ask her about her interests, her job, her life. If you know you are bad on the fly, think a a few before you pick her up. The more questions you can ask, the easier a conversation grows. Of course, try to avoid making it an interview – let the questions inspire new conversations – and also offer up answers to her questions. Just remember that a lull in conversation can always be solved by a decent (not yes or no) question!
- Shut Off Your Phone
Make the respectable choice. Demonstrate to her that she is the priority by keeping your phone out of sight and out of mind. It is also okay for you to expect her to do the same.
- Drop Her Off at Home (With No Expectations)
No matter how well the date went, the most gentlemanly move is to walk or drive her home – and say goodnight outside. More than getting her in a cab, or walking her to her car, it proves that her safety is a concern of yours. If she would prefer that you not take her home, ask her for a confirmation that she arrived safely. There is no shame in going for a kiss after a decent date – or better yet, asking her for permission to go in for a kiss. Treating her with respect is the ultimate “baller move”.
- Thank Her
Once the date is over, remember to show your appreciation. One newlywed stated it best: “My husband won me over when I he called the next day. He simply thanked me for going out with him. I could tell he wanted to talk more, but it was such a good-natured thing to do.” Don’t overanalyze or indulge in sketchy rules and games. If you like her, calling the next day and thanking her is both respectful and indicated to her that you are interested.
Some Honorable Mentions
The women surveyed had several opinions. Some wanted men to pay for the date, while others said they did not think it was fair to expect a man to pay. “I like the rule that – for a first date – the person who asks is the one who pays for the date.” A few other old-fashioned dating customs emerged. First, the idea of sending actual love letters appealed to most of the people surveyed. “Write me a letter! Yes, one I get in the actual mail – you know, with a stamp on it. It doesn’t have to be fancy poetry. Just sincere. That’s a classy move.” Another surveyed lady was adamant, “I miss mix tapes.” And another, “ The sexiest thing a guy ever did was take me out dancing. Not at the club, but to a jazz place. He wasn’t a great dancer, but there was something so wonderfully old-fashioned about that date. I dated him for a year.”
All are great options for the right woman. As the conversation ended, it was apparent that two themes stood out more than any other: respect and planning. “Show you respect me. I don’t want to be spoiled. Or put on a pedestal. I mean, it’s NICE to be spoiled sometimes, but really it’s the thought behind things that wins me over. Thinking ahead shows you care. Hmm, thinking ahead…is that an old school behavior?”
Come on, guys. Let’s not make it one.
